Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Still grappling with the events of this past week. Everyone else seems to have gotten over it, Gideon especially, which is good. But I'm still experiencing the remnants of stress and anxiety connected with the intense feeling that he could have died and it would have been completely out of my control. Also, seeing him suffer so much pain, being wheeled away for surgery, waking from surgery . . . again, I felt so utterly helpless, at the whim of a greater power. In short, it messed me up. I'd been feeling pretty wonderful this past month or so, making lots of overdue changes that quickly brought all sorts of benefits and relief. My energy, sense of humor and overall happiness were starting to come back. But this week I'm exhausted again. I'm trying to put it all in some sort of context, more shake-ups were (are) needed, it didn't kill anybody, so we're all totally stronger and shit.

That's right, I'm insanely strong.

I will fuck you sideways, philosophically, or more likely poetically.

Did that make me sound tough or just sort of nutty? My gauge isn't working so good these days.


  1. Hey Reb, last November my 8 year old daughter was at a birthday party and ended up being locked down in the theatre where they were seeing Bolt because there was a mall shooting in the food court. They had all been eating at the food court 20 minutes earlier. We watched this play out on TV and couldn't get a hold of anyone.

    I was convinced after it happened I would never let her go anywhere and build her a bubble to live in. The thing is, it ended up being comforting to me. Bad things happen and people survive. Just like with Gideon. And as I told her, now she has this great story for the rest of her life.

    What doesn't kill us might not necessarily make us stronger, but it does give us a good story to tell.

    Be well and take care.

  2. I know I was scared for at least 17 seconds after that threat.

  3. The idea of losing my son is my complete & very worst nightmare. I couldn't survive it, nor would I want to.

    It was a very scary experience that you went through, Reb. I think what you're feeling is perfectly understandable, and makes total sense. Maybe just give yourself some time; it's a lot to process, you know? But you'll process it. Veneers just don't work for some things. Just give yourself some time. You'll be ok.

    Take care.

  4. I will be OK. I'm practicing that deep breathing stuff.

  5. Reb --

    You're welcome for the plug & the book purchase, etc. I'm looking forward to reading it.

    I am SO sorry for you and yours and the scary appendectomy. My boys are 9 & 6, but my youngest is a thrill seeker. We've ended up in the ER just once so far, but I'm sure it's not the last. And that was self-inflicted, far easier to deal with (I think) than something internal that you have no way to predict or prepare for.

    Glad he's okay. My thoughts are with you.