Regularly dreaming of sleeping through or missing classes.
I'm supposed to be learning something, but I'm unconscious or not paying attention. Like I wake up in a drained swimming pool and realize I missed my lesson. Of course, I have to fill the pool back with water to take the next lesson, but water is the unconscious, so it's a catch 22.
I'm trying to figure out what exactly it is that I'm unconscious. I made a mental list of possible life lessons and opportunities that I should be mindful. As I did, I fell asleep. I dreamed I was back in my middle school auditorium as a symphony played. I became mindful that I wasn't really paying attention to the symphony, so I started to watch and listen. There was an enthusiastic male conductor, who then became a woman, a tall, slender woman with long limbs. She made monster mouth shapes with her hands as she conducted. She was really something. My chorus teacher sat next to me. I wanted to ask her about women conductors, but decided not to because I remembered her saying that there weren't many. Maybe I was afraid she believed women shouldn't be conductors. My chorus teacher talked about the woman conductor's husband, so I tuned her out. I didn't want to hear about him. Then a swtich, I'm at my dad's house with Chris and Gideon and I realize that I didn't make it to music class because I was waiting around for somebody to come get me.
What exactly am I just waiting around for? Well, I have some ideas.
I also dreamed that I was trying to teach Gideon how to use some high tech toilet paper dispenser in a public restroom. He wouldn't pay attention and ran into another stall. I found this frustrating. There were other women in the restroom who thought it was funny that I was calling for Gideon to come out. I was intent on teaching him how to operate the dispenser. Then I realized that I was only wearing underwear. I was pissed at myself, god damn it, why didn't I get dressed before I entered a public restroom to teach my son how to use a toilet paper dispenser? That's basic common sense.
There I was, vulnerable in my $35 beige underpants.
Wait, no, those underpants were from another dream last week. It was betrayal, insensitivity, insult upon insult. Her Eddie Murphyish ex-lover done her wrong for the very last time.
I tried to give some practical advice. I said, "you need to find yourself a nice accountant."
I can't believe I said that. What a moron. Luckily, Rose said no accountants for her. She planned to find a musician, one that nobody heard of or appreciated.
I said that if he didn't have a real job, he'd be living in poverty.
What a fuckwit comment. Where in my life am I being such a fuckwit?!? We're in the midst of a Grand Cardinal Cross and this is the advice I'm giving to my suffering and wronged shadow self?!? My ROSE!!!! I'm suggesting for my inner 'love, beauty and passion' to play it safe!
No wonder I hate everything I'm writing these days.